


Dare to be Tested

by Arianna



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-02
Updated: 2012-01-02
Packaged: 2017-10-28 18:11:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/310704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arianna/pseuds/Arianna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim decides Blair has to get over his fear of heights, and finds out more than he ever suspected in the fight that ensues. First times. Rated FRAO for graphic bonding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dare to be Tested

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Sandburg grumbled as he hiked along in Ellison's wake through the steeply sloping forest to the bottom of the cliff Jim had selected for today's little adventure.

"A deal's a deal, Chief," Ellison called back over his shoulder, totally unrepentant. "You promised."

Blair rolled his eyes and swore soundlessly. This was SO not what he wanted to do. Hell, he didn't know for sure if he _could_ do this... wasn't at all sure, as a matter of fact. Would Jim accept a simple 'no way, Jose!' and let it go? Not likely. Jim knew he would be afraid, was already afraid just thinking about it... so whining and whimpering wouldn't likely win any mercy. There was always the option of telling Jim 'why' he couldn't do this... but Blair really, really, really never wanted to go there. For one thing, the memory hurt like hell. For another... well, he just wasn't sure how Jim would... nope, didn't want to go there.

His jaw tight, Blair distracted himself from his dismal ruminations by thinking back over the conversation a week ago that had landed him in this particularly unpleasant predicament in the first place.

 

* * *

 

Jim's forbearance, limited at best, was waning... his jaw muscles were bunched, his shoulders hunched, his eyes were narrowed in a kind of wincing glare and if smoke wasn't coming out of his nostrils, it was only because he'd hadn't been born a dragon.

"I know you're tired, man," Blair soothed the irritated man. "But you know as well as I do that these tests are important."

Ellison swallowed and looked away. Blowing out a long breath, willing himself to relax, he nodded. "Yeah, I know... but they're frustrating and smelling all that stuff is giving me a serious headache here, Chief."

"Okay, then let's move to linking sight with sound for a while," Sandburg proposed. "Or we could work on touch, if you'd rather."

"I'd rather take a break," Ellison muttered grumpily.

"For an hour or so?" Sandburg suggested, willing to agree.

"For a year or so," Jim grated, shaking his head, knowing his protests were futile. They needed to do this. He knew it. But it felt like a pile-driver had taken up residence inside his skull.

"Okay, touch then," Sandburg offered, ignoring the routine grumbling, not willing to just give in. "Close your eyes and hold out your hands," he directed.

Once more shaking his head in resignation, reflecting he should have taken the break when it had been offered, Ellison shifted in the kitchen chair, and then spread his arms on the table, his hands palm up, while he closed his eyes.

And sighed again.

Heavily.

With exaggerated patience.

Pretending to be oblivious to the histrionics, Blair proceeded to place different substances and materials into his partner's hands, taking note of the responses as Jim tried to identify them. He had small swatches of silk, fine linen, course linen and cotton, polyester; samples of different kinds of ashes; various oils and lotions such as motor oil, olive oil, and scentless lotions made from different ingredients; various small buttons made of bone, wood and plastic simulations of both; and different kinds of grains. For an hour, Jim focused his concentration on the sensations he was picking up through his fingertips, a couple of times cheating a little as he used his sense of smell identify the products.

Finally, Ellison **_really_** had had enough. And he didn't hesitate to say so.

"That's it, I'm done!" Jim snorted, the grain samples aggravating his allergies. Holding up his hands, he pushed away from the table to make the message crystal clear.

"For today," Blair replied agreeably, knowing when it was time to quit. "We've got to do more with the sight/sound links and that's what we'll work on tomorrow... and then I want to explore more variations on sight/scent links, maybe using scent memory cues."

Squinting at his roommate, brushing at eyes that watered with irritation from the grain samples, Ellison demanded, "Chief, it's been more than four years! Aren't you _ever_ going to run out of test ideas?"

Blair pondered that for a moment as if giving the perennial question serious thought, then shook his head, grinning a little as he replied, "Nope, don't think so."

"It's not fair, you know," Jim replied, whining in a manner reminiscent of a recalcitrant child as he tried to fend off his irritation with humour.

Blair wasn't unsympathetic. He knew some of the tests were unavoidably irritating and he could understand Jim's frustration. So, sensing an opportunity to win a little more cooperation from a Sentinel who seemed to have a nearly pathological aversion to tests, an aversion that had only gotten worse with the passing years, Blair jumped at giving Jim a chance to think he could 'get even'. "No reason you couldn't give me tests, too," he smiled guilelessly. "But, I don't have the senses, man... I'm not the one who has to hone the skills."

For a moment, Ellison was silent, not having been serious about giving Sandburg tests but unwilling to let such an unexpected opportunity slip by. Thoughtfully, he pursued the conversation, "Not your sensory skills maybe... but are you saying you'd be willing to take any tests that I imposed on you?" he clarified.

"If they're for a good reason, and related to our work together, sure, why not?" Sandburg replied, figuring that Jim was likely to want him to read some book on criminology or police procedure or something... maybe even get him to take some self-defence classes and then test him on what he'd learned. Though Sandburg had resisted Ellison's ongoing efforts to persuade him to learn more than the basic self-defence and hand-to-hand combat skills, he was ready to admit that resistance was futile and probably stupid. They were skills he should master given the situations they routinely got into. How tough could it be?

"You expect me to do anything you ask me to do," Jim pushed. "I don't get to say, 'This is stupid,' or 'I won't do it'. So... I'd expect the same cooperation from you."

"Jim, why do you let me dictate this stuff, if you don't see the worth of it?" Blair asked with a weary sigh, knowing that Jim did think a lot of what he was asked to do was 'stupid'. But over time, the various tests had helped Ellison build up an amazing degree of acuity and control... and with that, came increasing confidence and decreasing anxiety about the senses that had driven him to the edge of madness before they'd met.

Ellison looked Sandburg dead in the eye as he replied simply, "Because I trust you, Chief."

Well, what could Blair say to that? Refusal to offer the same unconditional cooperation would seem churlish... and besides, Sandburg had always trusted Ellison with his life.

"And I trust you, Jim... so go ahead, figure out what tests you want me to take and I'll take them," Blair replied with absolutely no hesitation.

 

* * *

 

Thinking back, Blair now figured the concept of trust was highly over-rated. He would have been better to have been suspicious and to have retained some right to refuse the 'tests' Jim decided to pose. Ellison hadn't said anything for the rest of the week, but last night he'd gathered their camping gear together in preparation for today's 'test'. Once again, Blair hadn't worried, figuring Jim was going to teach him something about tracking or wilderness survival. Camping was a blast and he just figured they were headed out on a basically fun weekend.

But when Blair had seen the coils of rope, the climbing harnesses, the small hammers and picks, and the sacks of specially designed mountaineering spikes in the back of the truck that morning, he'd paled. "Uh... what kind of test, exactly, did you have in mind, Jim," he asked, his eyes wide with disbelieving anxiety as he looked up at his best friend.

"You're my Guide, right? So that means you have to be able to keep up with me, go where I go, safely, right, Chief?" Jim had responded obliquely, busying himself with storing the rest of their gear in the back of the truck so that he could avoid eye contact. That wide, innocent, trusting gaze got to him every time and he was determined to go through with this 'test', though he had known Sandburg would be less than joyful about it.

Swallowing, Blair had looked down again at the climbing gear. "Yeah, but you're not Spiderman... how often do we need to scale the outside of downtown buildings?" he asked sharply, feeling the beginnings of real fear build in his chest.

"Not often, I'll grant you that," Jim replied, cutting his partner a quick look. The Sentinel cringed at the fear he saw in his Guide's face, and the friend regretted that this was necessary... but it was. The fear could be, had to be, mastered. "But it's not unheard of to have to track a criminal into the mountains, or to have to support search and rescue efforts, so climbing may well be required at some point or other. When we **_have_** to do it, it'll be too late to be certain that we **_can_** do it."

"Jim, you know I'm afraid of heights, man," Blair protested, fear draining his face of colour.

"I know, Chief," Ellison replied, not unkindly. "But I've also seen you climb trees, scamper about on fire escapes, climb out of a high rise window to escape terrorists... you **_can_** do it. But your fear makes doing anything involving heights dangerous for you. We're going to work on that, the fear, so that you can let it go. So you'll be safer in similar situations should they ever happen again."

"I don't want to do this, Jim," Blair stated, clearly and unequivocally.

"You gave me your word that you'd take any tests I posed for you," Jim replied steadily, with no hint of compromise in his voice. "You said you trusted me."

Blair felt his gut clench as he looked away. "That's not fair, man," he grated.

"Who told you life would be fair, Junior?" Jim retorted. "C'mon, time's a'wasting here. Let's go," he continued, cutting the conversation short as he climbed into the truck.

"Nobody ever told me that, man," Blair sighed softly. "I wasn't talking about 'life'... I was talking about 'you'." Unsure whether or not Jim had heard him over the sound of the engine starting up, Blair swallowed and closed his eyes.

And then he got into the truck.

He'd given his word. He could do this. If it killed him, he could do this.

 

* * *

 

So here they were, coming out of the line of trees at the base of a humongous cliff that looked practically sheer. So much for hoping that Jim would have chosen the equivalent of a 'bunny hill' for this excursion into Blair's worst nightmares.

"You can't be serious," Blair groaned, looking up, feeling sick.

"I'll show you how to rig your harness," Jim said, pulling out the equipment, ignoring Blair's despairing comment.

"Jim, please... I **_really_** don't want to do this, man," Blair tried one last time, not hesitating to beg. "People get killed climbing..."

"People get killed crossing the street, Chief," Jim replied dryly. "Come here. Let's get this on you."

Jim wasn't going to let go of this... he wasn't going to accept 'no, I can't' for an answer, and Sandburg felt something snap inside.

Fear and the desperate sense of being trapped ran head on into his sudden fury that Jim was going to make him do this... that there was no room to negotiate, no compassion for how hard this was for him. Jim was going to make him go up that cliff... and once they were up, they'd have to come back down again which wasn't a whole lot easier. There was nothing quite like the sensation of stepping off into oblivion to rappel down a mountainside. Sandburg fought the roiling of emotions that churned in his gut, making him feel nauseous and willfully pushed stark, wretched memories away as he swallowed the lump in his throat. His jaw tight, he closed his eyes for a moment, centering himself, focusing on trying to deepen his shallow, too rapid breathing. Then he opened his eyes and looked at the harness in Jim's hand. There was no way out of this. He was going to have to do it.

Blair's eyes went hard, his mouth was dry and his complexion was chalky but he reached out to viciously yank the harness from Jim's hand. "Fine," he snapped. "Then let's just get it done."

When Jim moved to help him, Blair roughly pushed his hand away. "I know how to get into it, Jim. Get your own on and then we can check each other out," he said with a tightly controlled, cold voice.

Surprised, not so much at the tone or the gesture given that he knew Sandburg wasn't thrilled about this, but rather that someone afraid of heights quite evidently did know how to wear the harness, Jim's eyes narrowed speculatively. As he slipped on his own, and did up the safety clips, he couldn't resist asking, "When did you learn how to wear a climbing harness, Chief?"

Blair leveled a hard stare at him as he replied flatly, "I said I'm afraid of heights, man. I never said I don't know how to climb."

Jim's brow quirked at that information and he knew there was a story here, but Sandburg didn't seem to be in the mood for a lot of questions. For a moment, Jim wondered if he was pushing this too hard. Part of it was, admittedly, to get a little of his own back for all the endless hours of tests Sandburg thought up to torment him. But, a much larger part was Ellison's firm belief that they might well have to do something like this someday to save someone's life, so wordlessly he nodded, deciding to go ahead with the climb. If Sandburg already knew something about climbing, that would make it all that much easier to show him that he didn't have to be afraid... and that would make him safer in the future when he was confronted with having to be in a situation that required him to function some distance above solid ground.

Sandburg remained silently sullen as they checked out one another's gear, and then Blair attached a sack of spikes and a small pick-hammer to his belt, and threaded the end of one coil of rope through his harness, tying it off before looping the bulk of it over his shoulder. Then, wordlessly, he strode to the practically sheer cliff face, reached high to hammer in a spike, and began to search out hand and foot holds further up before starting to climb.

"Hold on, Chief," Jim called to him. "We haven't got ourselves roped together yet."

"No ropes," Blair said flatly without turning, in a tone that brooked no argument.

"Uh, uh, that's unsafe and unacceptable," Jim replied moving forward with the full intention of fastening them together with a safety line.

Whirling on him, Blair looked like he was ready to actually physically punch Ellison if he got a step closer. "I SAID no ropes, and I meant it," Sandburg snarled. "If you try to rope yourself to me, I swear, that's it. We're done... and I mean, **_we are done_**."

Shocked by the rage flashing in Blair's eyes, Jim stopped in his tracks. "You mean we're done with the climb? That you'd refuse to do this?"

"No, I mean we're done as partners, roommates and friends," Blair clarified, only too obviously meaning it. "You want to climb this fucking wall so bad, fine, we'll climb it. But I will not be roped to you. Is that clear?"

"Chief," Jim replied, his voice soft and cajoling. "That's not safe..."

"That's the only way I'm going to do this," Blair replied, holding his ground.

"This is just your way to get me to agree not to make you climb, isn't it?" Jim demanded, thinking he'd figured out the game. Sandburg knew Ellison would never willfully put him in a life-threatening situation, so all these histrionics were likely just so much manipulation.

Blair could see that assessment in Jim's eyes and knew his friend believed he was just trying to weasel his way out of this test, despite the fact that he'd given his word. Sandburg glared at his partner for a long moment and then sharply shook his head. "Fuck you, Ellison," Blair murmured, more angry with Jim than he could ever remember being, his voice almost strangled by the fear and fury that lodged in his throat.

And then he turned and began to climb.

And clearly knew exactly what he was doing.

Jim watched in astonishment as Blair moved steadily up the cliff, his actions controlled, competent... even expert. Silently, he began to climb up in the wake of his Guide.

 

* * *

 

By the time they'd made their way up and had rappelled back down the cliff, it was late afternoon. In all that time, not a word had been spoken. Blair had gone up and come back down, never once hesitating or making a wrong move, leaping into the final jump to the ground at the same time that Ellison pushed off from the rock wall. Once on the ground, the anthropologist unsnapped his harness and dropped it, the hammer, and the rope, to the gravel at the base of the cliff, turned and picked up his pack and started back down the trail.

Jim let him go as he packed up the gear. They'd picked out their camping spot on the way in so he knew he'd find Blair there. It was too far to go back to the park entrance to get the truck that night and while Blair might be angry, he wasn't foolhardy... he wouldn't just keep going, knowing the path was dangerous in the dark.

And he **_was_** angry. Jim had never seen Blair like this. Cold with fury. For hours. Ellison looked up at the cliff a last time as he stood and hitched the coiled rope and then his pack over his shoulder. Thinking about the climb, about Sandburg's behaviour and competence, he knew that there was something serious going on here that he didn't understand.

He was a detective. He didn't like mysteries. Striding down along the trail, Jim was determined to get to the bottom of this one.

 

* * *

 

By the time Ellison arrived at the campsite, Blair had gathered wood and gotten a fire started. The day had been cool, and under the trees, as the day dipped toward evening, there was already a chill in the air. They sorted out the supplies, Jim erecting the two-person tent while Blair prepared their meal. From time to time, Jim eyed his uncharacteristically silent partner, waiting until the rage abated to simmering anger, biding his time.

Dusk had deepened into night as they ate in silence, but as Jim poured the coffee into their mugs, he asked mildly, "Care to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"We've finished eating and now we are about to drink some coffee," Sandburg replied, his tone sarcastic, his eyes still dark and stormy with anger.

Sighing, Jim shook his head. "Why the mystery, Sandburg?" he asked. "Why didn't you tell me you knew how to climb before we got up here?"

Flashing a hard look at his partner, Blair challenged, "One, you never asked. Two, you probably would have made me prove it anyway."

"Chief, I don't have a clue what's going on here," Jim sighed. "I know you're furious... but I honestly don't understand why. Nor do I understand how someone who climbs like a pro is as nervous about heights as you claim to be."

"I don't just 'claim' it, man," Sandburg snapped. "I hate being too far from the ground. I cannot **_believe_** you made me do that! Knowing that it was something that... that I... that makes me... I can't believe you did that to me! God, Jim... I know you don't like taking the tests I devise, but they **_help_** you, man. I don't ever do anything to you that would really **_hurt_** you."

Ellison opened his arms in a gesture of helplessness. "Look, I know you don't consider my reasons valid. But, I've seen you deal with heights. I know they make you nervous but you don't have a pathological terror of them. We might really have to climb someday, to save someone's life. I thought coming out here, working with you, would help you get past the nervousness. I didn't do this to hurt you, Chief," he explained. "I did this to help... like you help me. To show you that you could do it, that you could master it, the fear. Otherwise, when we get into situations where you have to contend with heights, your fear could distract you, and cause you to have an accident, to fall. I don't want that to ever happen. I had no idea that you were an expert climber, that you already knew you could do it, if you ever had to."

The rationale made sense and Sandburg could accept that it was grounded in concern for his well being. But that didn't make what he'd had to endure that day any easier. Blair looked away, still angry but no longer livid. "There's a lot you don't know about me, man," he stated flatly, and then swallowed, already regretting the words, the opening they gave Jim to probe for more. He should have stuck with remaining silent.

Jim's eyes narrowed as he gazed across the flames at his friend. "Then tell me what I don't know," he asked. "Tell me how you ever learned to climb like that when you hate heights as much as you do."

Blair swallowed as he closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to retreat back to silence, knowing it was probably too late.

"What happened, Chief?" Ellison asked softly, seeing the anger disintegrate into remembered anguish, truly dismayed that he'd inadvertently, and completely unintentionally, caused Sandburg such apparently unnecessary but acute pain. "Please... tell me."

"You might not like what you hear," Sandburg murmured, lifting his troubled gaze back to his friend's eyes. If he was going to tell it, he'd tell it all, or he'd be diminishing the sacrifice that had saved his life. But it wasn't the sacrifice he'd consciously hidden from Jim all these years, that he'd been loathe to explain so as to avoid having to face that cliff. It was the rest of it, the part Jim might well not understand or be able to accept.

"I'm willing to risk that," Jim replied, his tone encouraging, though he felt a shaft of sharp concern in his gut at the haunted look in Blair's eyes.

 _'But am I?'_ Sandburg wondered as he stared into the darkness, legs crossed, his arms resting on his thighs as he unconsciously twisted his fingers together, debating whether to explain or not. If he didn't, the shadow would always be between them now anyway... Jim would always think he was hiding something, and that Blair hadn't trusted him enough to bare his soul. They'd learned the hard way that not trusting one another, not being open, only brought them to grief, shadows of misunderstandings growing into demons that tore them apart. Now that it had begun, Blair knew he really had no choice but to go on. Taking a hard emotional grip on that trust, on that belief that this wouldn't disgust his friend so badly that Jim wouldn't ever feel the same way about him again, Sandburg struggled to find the words to just spit it out as succinctly and matter-of-factly as possible.

Finally, he cleared his throat and, his voice low as if he was struggling for control, he began, "I did a lot of climbing when I was a kid... I used to love it, if you can believe that. Taking on greater challenges, climbing higher and higher, to see the world laid out at my feet, to see so far... the majesty of it took my breath away. Naomi used to despair of me, certain that I'd get myself killed one day in the mountains. But... I just loved it, you know? Most of the time, I used to climb alone, but my first year at Rainier, I met a guy who loved to climb as much as I did."For a moment, a faint smile of memory graced Sandburg's lips as he recalled, "We went out _**every**_ weekend into the mountains. Jess was a couple of years older than me..."

He paused for a moment, to swallow again, blinking rapidly against the sudden burning in his eyes at the memories.

Jim flinched. He'd caught the 'was' and had begun to suspect where this was going. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "Your friend fell, didn't he?"

Sandburg stiffened, his shoulders tightening, as he replied, "This is hard enough to get through, Jim. Just let me tell it in my own way, okay?"

"Okay, Chief," Jim apologized. "Take your time."

Blair nodded, and then resumed quietly, "We got to be really good friends... better than friends, actually." He paused and then plunged on, "Jess was gay, Jim. He, uh, he loved me... and I loved him. I think that's partly why he..."

But, his voice cracked, and he had to pause again to take a deep breath to steady himself. He didn't have to look at Jim to know his friend had gone very still.

Frowning against the memories, staring into the flames to avoid Jim's eyes, Blair cleared his throat of the lump and carried on, his voice hoarse, "One day, we were high on the north face of Mount Rainier. Jess was climbing above me and we were roped together because he always insisted on that for safety purposes. The wind shifted suddenly, buffeting us violently and unexpectedly. Jess slipped and lost his grip... and fell. The force of his fall pulled the two spikes between us from the wall, leaving only the one I'd just finished hammering in to support the both of us... but you're a climber. You know one spike can't support the sudden pull of a man's full weight, not for long. Anyway, when he hit the end of the safety rope, it jerked hard and I got half pulled from the rock face, so now my some of my weight was also pulling on our single anchor. He'd, uh, fallen to a point where there was a depression in the wall, and he couldn't reach it to hammer in a new pin without swinging and putting more pressure on the rope. I re-established my own grip and balance, but his weight was still putting too much pressure on the spike... we both felt it begin to pull away from the wall."

Looking up at Jim, Sandburg's eyes were dark with the memories that would always haunt him and blurred by unconscious tears. His voice was cracking as he described what had happened in a breathless rush to get it out before the memories tore him apart, "It all happened so fast, you know? So incredibly fast. Seconds, not even minutes. I yelled at him to just hang tight and I'd get us better anchored and then he could swing into the wall. But the rope kept jerking even as I yelled down at him. I hammered the spike, to re-anchor it, but the rock around it started to crack. So, I started hammering in another one, as fast as I could, you know? But I wasn't fast enough. The rope jerked again, and he knew we were slipping... that it wouldn't hold both of us long enough..."

Jim could tell that Blair was no longer seeing him, but was seeing instead the horror of that day play out again in his mind, almost as if he were in a kind of trance, lost in the past. Ellison wanted to tell him to stop, but knew that there was no choice now but to hear it all. The memories were coming hard and fast now, and he had to let Sandburg get it all out.

"Jessie shouted to me that it was no good. He... he said he was sorry... and that he loved me," Blair murmured, his voice little more than a hoarse whisper. Closing his eyes, he finished, "He cut the rope between us... one hard fast slice... and I saw ... I saw him fall." Lifting a hand to cover his eyes, he choked, "I tried to tell him to stop, I begged him not to... but he... oh, God, Jim..."

Tears leaked through his lashes to trickle down his cheeks. Overcome with the remembered pain at the horror and grief, Blair doubled over, one hand covering his mouth to hold back the sobs of grief and the almost overwhelming nausea the memories had invoked, his other arm wrapped tightly around his body, as if to hold himself together.

Jim leapt up and around the fire to kneel beside his friend, wrapping strong arms around him to hold Sandburg close, his chin on Blair's bowed head, as he murmured hoarsely, tears of empathy burning in his own eyes, "I'm sorry, Chief. I'm so very sorry. I didn't know..."

He held Sandburg for long minutes until the shuddering of his friend's body began to abate and Blair had regained some measure of control. "You okay?" Jim asked softly, frowning with concern.

Blair shook his head. But he pulled away, swiping at the tears streaking his face and pushing his fingers through his hair, tucking it behind his ears before crossing his arms tightly over his chest. Still staring at the flames, he murmured brokenly, "He was a great guy, Jim. So bright and funny... so gentle. Jessie couldn't even bring himself to swat a mosquito... said they needed to live, too, and it wasn't their fault they'd been created to live on the blood of other beings. Said he had enough to spare... so fast... it happened so fast..."

His whispers choked again on the memories, and then he sighed. "I haven't been able to climb since... haven't been able to stand heights since. When... when you wanted to rope us together, all I could think of was how I couldn't... couldn't climb that damned cliff if I had to face that again, if we'd had an accident. If you'd cut yourself free..." Sandburg shuddered again. "Or even if I'd been the one who had to drop... I couldn't let you live with what I've been living with... With memories like... I just couldn't..."

"Oh, God, kid, I'm sorry," Jim said quietly, as he squeezed his friend's shoulder and paled at the sickening image of Blair falling that his friend's words had evoked. "Why didn't you tell me? I'd never have made you go through this..."

Blair sighed and looked up at the star-spangled sky. Weary, he shook his head as he replied, "I don't know... at first, I guess I couldn't believe you were going to make me do it. And when you wouldn't back off, I got so mad I couldn't see straight... let alone think clearly."

Jim nodded, understanding only too well how anger could get in the way of reasoned thought. Raking fingers through his short hair, he stood and moved back to his own place on the far side of the fire.

Silence fell between them. Jim knew he wasn't particularly good at giving solace, but he could see that Blair was still trembling with the memories that haunted him. "Do you want to talk about it? About, uh, Jessie... or what happened after?"

Sandburg blew out a breath as he cut a quick look at his best friend, wondering how Jim was really taking all this, wondering shakily if Jim had forgotten the one bombshell when the other had exploded. Or if Jim was just hoping that other shell wasn't going to blow, too. That maybe it was a dud, or that he'd only imagined it, or misunderstood.

A 'dud'. Yeah, right.

Shrugging a little, Blair sighed again as he said quietly, "I don't really want to go into all the details of 'after', man. It was pretty grim. Once I got back down, I couldn't leave Jessie or animals would have got at him, you know? So, I stayed and eventually they sent out searchers when we didn't make it back, and I sent up a flare... and, well, finally, we got airlifted out." His throat tightened again as he remembered the rest of that grueling day and night, alone with his friend's battered body, alone with the grief and guilt, feeling helpless and so very, very sad that he'd never have the words to express how he'd felt.

Jim looked away and nodded, sorry that Sandburg had had to experience such trauma. It was bad enough when it was a stranger, or someone you didn't know well, but when it was...

His thoughts hit the wall then as he recalled exactly what Blair had said about Jessie, about what they'd meant to one another. "It's hardest when it's someone you've loved," Jim murmured quietly, wanting to show that he really was sorry that this had happened to his best friend, though he'd've been lying if he'd said the relationship hadn't shocked him.

"Yeah," Blair sighed as he rubbed his eyes. "It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

Jim's gaze roamed the darkness, and alighted on the tent behind Sandburg, and he swallowed, wondering if he wanted to pursue this any further, or if it would be best to just let it go. Wondering if he could let it go and just forget it.

But Sandburg had seen his glance suddenly freeze and could guess what Ellison was thinking... wondering. He, too, wondered if it wouldn't be better to just call it a night. God knew, he was exhausted by all that had happened, by the memories. But when Jim's eyes locked with his and then flinched away, Blair knew they couldn't leave things where they were, with half the story untold. "You okay with this, man?" he asked quietly. "I mean, with what I said about Jessie and me..."

Jim stiffened a little, his eyes narrowing against the thought, but then he replied, "I guess I've just never thought of you as gay, Chief. I mean, you chase anything in a skirt... and usually catch them."

Surprised into a rueful chuckle at the truth of that observation, Blair replied, "I'm not gay, Jim. Jessie was gay."

Frowning a little, embarrassed to think he must have misunderstood something, Ellison stammered, "Oh, I thought you meant..."

"That we were lovers," Blair supplied steadily when Jim's voice dropped away. "Yeah, we were."

Jim gave him one of those 'I don't understand,' looks, as he muttered, "But if you're not..."

Blair leaned a little forward, gesturing with one hand as he tried to explain. "Jim, you have to remember how I was raised. Sex, any kind of sex, was a good thing. Free love, man. Worries about gender issues were bourgeois shit... it was the love that mattered, the connection, the giving, the trust, the closeness. Sex was as natural as breathing in my world," he blurted, desperately hoping that Jim _**would**_ understand. "And there's something to be said for that... that expressing love is simple and natural, that touch isn't a bad thing. But I don't want to freak you out here..."

"I'm just trying to understand, Chief," Jim replied, and he honestly was trying to see how such a different upbringing would lead to what was evidently a completely different worldview and definition of 'moral' behaviour. Jim was no prude, and he had no particular aversion to the concept of homosexuality... it wasn't something he labeled 'bad' or 'good', just something he knew did not pertain to himself. But... 'free love'? With whoever was handy? Regardless of gender? Well, that was not something he was at all comfortable with.

"Okay, well, like I said, I didn't have any particular aversion to the idea of two guys getting it on, you know?" Blair continued. "It's not like I hadn't seen it happen any number of times..."

When Jim looked away, his jaw tightening in reflex at what Blair had seen as a child, Sandburg held up his hands as he said quickly, "Okay, too much information, right, we won't go there." Shrugging again, he resumed, "Anyway, I knew Jess really loved me, and I loved him, too, even if I wasn't actually 'attracted' to him... I loved him as a great friend, as someone very special, you know? But he wanted the closeness so badly... and since it didn't matter to me, it wasn't hard to give him what he needed, to show him I really did love him. I don't know... it was probably stupid, in some ways, because I couldn't have 'committed' to him for a lifetime, not the way he wanted. But the way it turned out, well, I've always been glad that I didn't deny him. Can you understand that?"

"I... honestly? I don't know, Chief," Jim replied quietly, looking away into the darkness. "I guess I can't imagine ever... well..."

"What?" Blair asked when Jim hesitated. "You can't imagine that I'd do such a thing? Can't imagine yourself doing such a thing? What?" Sandburg's voice was tight and he felt anxious, afraid that his fears about ever letting Jim know about Jess were about to be realized.

Pushing his fingers through his hair, Jim shrugged and shook his head. "I can't imagine being able to... I mean if there's no physical attraction..."

"You're kidding, right?" Sandburg exclaimed, though he wasn't really surprised by Jim's stunned, even shocked, reaction. When Jim looked at him in astonishment at his outburst, Blair continued, talking rapidly, almost in professorial tone, trying to make it all seem unremarkable, "Jim, you were in the army. You're a cop... you send men to prison. You have to know that whenever men are confined or restricted from women, particularly in stressful conditions, well... men are men. Our sexual drive is powerful. Hell, man, men'll do it with anything that's handy if the need is great enough. Sometimes for release, sometimes for power, sometimes for love... whatever. Okay, so the vast majority of us prefer women... that's only natural. It's our biological urge to re-create our species. But there are any number of societies where men get it on with other men because the women are locked away and are inaccessible until marriage, or where warriors express their respect, esteem, admiration or just plain old-fashioned love for one another sexually. We are animals first, man... and it's an animal drive to procreate. It's our humanity that brings love into the equation... but love isn't gender-based, Jim. Our gender hang-ups are defined by our cultural norms and biological preferences. Gay men have a physiological imperative to mate with other men, but any man can and will do the same thing under the right circumstances."

Ellison shook his head and swallowed hard. "Not all men, Chief," he protested.

"Not you, you mean," Blair countered, with a sinking feeling, certain now that he'd been right... Jim wasn't going to be able to accept this. God, what if it affected what Jim thought of him? Swallowing, his voice a little shaky, Sandburg then tried desperately to make light of it all, as if it could at least be something they could joke about. "Maybe you're right. But with the right stimulus... I'm not sure I'd lay money on it, man. Might make an interesting 'test'," he added, teasing wickedly, but sobered quickly at the look on his friend's face.

Jim only too evidently wasn't finding any of this the least bit amusing. Shivering a little, Blair shrugged helplessly as he gazed earnestly at Ellison, wondering how to get things on an even keel again... how to make his relationship with Jess seem somehow understandable, if not wholly acceptable, to his best friend. Damn, he knew he shouldn't ever have told him about Jessie... but he couldn't, just couldn't, be less than honest about the relationship they'd had. Jess had **_died_** to save his life. The only thing Blair could do for Jess now, for his memory, was acknowledge the love that had led to such a devastating sacrifice.

Ellison again shook his head, refusing to meet Sandburg's earnest gaze. He knew the kid wasn't being deliberately offensive, even that Blair was speaking with some degree of expertise given his field of study. And Jim also knew that his first swift denial was born of his own upbringing, that the idea was simply anathema, not anything he'd ever reasoned out, or even ever really thought about in terms of himself.

Seeing the not unexpected wall of 'Ellison avoidance' fall over Jim's expression, and evident in his rigid posture, Blair bit his lip. He could just leave it there, having made his best anthropological argument that his behaviour hadn't been somehow inexplicable, but he was worried that if he did, Jim might always wonder about him, wonder if he was, indeed, gay. And that might well lead to discomfort between them eventually, given how closely they lived and worked together. He had to at least get Jim to grant that a fully heterosexual male could engage in homosexual activities without it being a statement about identity or preferences. Without it even being a matter of being 'bisexual', of being attracted equally to both genders, but rather as a rare act of love in which the partner's gender was wholly irrelevant.

Because, for Sandburg, it hadn't been an issue of power, or lust... it **_had_** been an action borne of love. He wasn't ashamed of it, never had been, but nor did it in any way define his sexuality, well, not the way Jim thought about 'sexuality' anyway. For a long moment, Blair sat quietly staring into the flames, thinking about Jessie, mourning his loss. Then, swallowing, he tucked Jessie's memory away in his heart. Jess was gone, had been gone a long time now, and there was no way to ever change that.

But, here and now, Blair had another friendship, one that meant everything to him, and it could be at risk if Jim couldn't be comfortable with this new knowledge. Though Blair didn't always understand it, or why, from almost the first moment there had been such a connection that he had risked his own life to save Jim when Ellison had zoned on that Frisbee. And Blair knew that his friendship with Jim was the most important reality of his life, knew that he'd give his life in a heartbeat for James Joseph Ellison, without hesitation, with no regret. The thought that Jim might never look at him the same way, might always be somehow uncomfortable around him now, was something Blair couldn't face. Surely there was a way to make certain that wouldn't happen, to help Jim understand and accept that this didn't change anything, not really. Frowning, wondering how to make Jim understand, an idea about how to make such an action at least conceivable within Jim's own terms of reference occurred to Blair. Chewing on his lip, he decided it was worth trying.

"Jim, c'mon, I know you don't want to hear this or think about it, man, but the fact is... a physical relationship actually wouldn't be unusual between a Sentinel and his Guide. If anything, from the myths and legends, it would be unusual if such a relationship didn't exist," Blair cajoled softly. "It didn't mean that Sentinels and Guides were all gay... or somehow amoral or perverted... it meant that they had a relationship that transcended normal morality and that they expressed the love they had for one another physically. The soul deep identification they had with one another was expressed and celebrated through touch. And, maybe, it was even part of a bonding ritual... who knows? It might have been a case of the Sentinel and Guide imprinting one another on each other's senses."

Shaking his head, now feeling distinctly personally threatened by the direction the conversation was going, Ellison grated, "I don't think I want to discuss this, Chief."

Sighing, Blair leaned back. "Okay, man," he surrendered wearily. "I just didn't want to think that you think there's something wrong with me, that's all. I'm not some kind of pervert."

Stung, Jim looked across the fire at his friend. "I never said I thought that!" he protested.

"Maybe not in words, but your body speaks volumes, my friend," Blair retorted, hurt though he knew he shouldn't be. What else could he have expected, in fact had expected? It was why he'd never told Jim about Jessie. Ellison's background, his values and moral philosophy were just too radically different to encompass what Blair had done, to understand it in anything more than a remotely intellectual way... and even then, reluctantly.

Ellison blew out a breath, reaching for calm as he held out his hands and said, "Look, all I'm saying is, is that I don't think another man could ever appeal to me in that way... that's all. I'm not passing some judgment here on what happened between you and, er, Jessie."

"But, I guess, I just have trouble imagining..." Jim flinched even as he said the words. Shaking his head vigorously, he rushed on, "I don't even want to imagine it, to be honest. As for Sentinels and Guides, well, I think you may be stretching the possibilities there, Chief..."

"What? That bonding or imprinting wouldn't have been part of the relationship?" Blair challenged back defensively, feeling as if his area of academic expertise was now being called into question. "Hey, I can show you the references, man, if you won't take my word for it."

"Well, maybe, but..." Jim tried to extricate himself, wondering how he'd gotten into this conversation in the first place.

For a moment, silence reigned between them, Jim feeling awkward and helpless, and Blair suddenly caught by the implications of what he'd shared with Jim about the possibility of sentinel and guide bonding rituals. There might actually be something to the idea...

"Maybe we should test it out," Sandburg murmured absently, distracted now by the research and academic considerations, not to mention what it meant for their relationship, wondering if such imprinting might actually be necessary for full bonding to occur... if even their failure to have done so was part of why they'd often run into problems. Wondering if maybe such bonding would finally break down the persistent reluctance Jim had to let his walls down, to trust unreservedly.

" ** _Test it...!_** " Jim exclaimed, shocked by the suggestion. The first time Sandburg had mentioned testing this earlier, it had been clear that he'd only been teasing. But, this time Ellison knew his friend was serious... and he was distinctly worried by the speculative look that Sandburg had on his face, the one Blair always had when he was pondering the exact nature of sentinel senses and what could be done to help his partner master them. Nothing got in the way of Sandburg when he was trying to help his Sentinel be the best that he could be, no matter how outrageous or ridiculous the test might seem to be to Ellison.

"Yeah," Blair replied, his tone thoughtful, still focused inward, not noticing how repellent Jim found the idea to be.

Jim laughed, finding the whole thing too ridiculous to contemplate, though the timbre of his voice had a slightly hysterical edge as he almost sneered, "Yeah, right. What are you going to do? Seduce me to see if I react? Get real, Sandburg. This is crazy."

"Don't you think I could?" Blair asked then, distracted from his thoughts, looking up at Jim with a narrowed, speculative gaze. With a sinking feeling at the look on Ellison's face, he realized he'd just made matters infinitely worse with his ill-considered and thoughtless musings. Damn, he had to get a grip here before Jim ran screaming into the night... or simply murdered him and hid the body.

"Could what?" Jim asked, deliberately misunderstanding as he rubbed the back of his neck, and looked away from his partner's eyes.

"Seduce you?" Blair replied with a taunting grin, deciding again to take refuge in humour.

"No, Sandburg, I don't think you could seduce me," Jim replied, repressively. "Look, it's late. Let's just go to bed."

"Well, that's what I was suggesting, actually," Blair smirked, knowing full well that that's not what Jim had meant, and then he laughed outright at his friend's blush.

"You done pulling my chain?" Jim asked with a tentative, even hopeful, grin, realizing belatedly that Blair was teasing him and might leave it at that... but glad as well that as uncomfortable as the whole discussion was, it seemed to have successfully distracted Sandburg from the memories of his raw grief and guilt about Jessie's death.

"Okay, peace, man," Blair replied with a sigh. "Relax. I wouldn't dare start something that would only leave you despising the sight of me. The pursuit of a better understanding of our Sentinel/Guide relationship, let alone the esoteric furthering of knowledge and science, isn't worth making you loathe me."

Though the words had been light, and even lightly offered, Sandburg had looked away as he'd offered them. But not before Ellison had seen the truth of his fear in Sandburg's eyes. Startled, Jim realized that Blair really was worried about having somehow offended his sensibilities... that maybe the sight of Sandburg **_was_** now offensive... now that Jim knew about Jessie.

When Blair stood and looked back at Jim, he saw his friend staring thoughtfully into the flames, an odd, reflective expression on his face. "Jim... hey, I was just teasing you, man. Are you okay?"

Looking up slowly, Ellison replied seriously, "There's nothing that you could ever do, you know, that would ever make me never want to see you again, or loathe the sight of you. You don't ever have to worry about that."

Taken aback by the unexpected insight into his feelings, Sandburg's gaze dropped to his feet before coming back to meet Jim's eyes. "Thanks, man... I was worried, a little, you know. I probably shouldn't have told you about Jess."

Shaking his head, Jim replied, "No... I don't want you to ever think that. What happened to your friend was a terrible tragedy and I'm sorry that I, well, that I caused you to have to relive it all again today. And... well, I guess I understand what you were saying about how you were, what, 'honouring' his love? Returning it, because you loved him and wanted to make him happy. I... I can't pretend that I could imagine doing something like that, but I'm not you."

"Yeah, right," Blair replied, trying for nonchalance but sounding slightly bitter. "I think I'll just walk down by the river for a bit before turning in. Good night, Jim."

When Sandburg turned away abruptly, Jim realized he hadn't really made anything any better. Helplessly, he watched Blair amble off, trying so hard to appear relaxed, but obviously still hurting. Sighing, Jim stared into the flames for a moment, and then closed his eyes, not wanting to slip into a zone. It had all seemed so simple and straight-forward when he'd thought up the damn test of climbing the cliff to help Sandburg overcome his fear of heights... what a disaster it had turned out to be. Jim truly ached for the terrible thing that had happened to Blair and felt sick to know that he'd only brought all the memories back, fresh and raw. But he also didn't know what to think or feel about what his friend had told him about Sandburg's relationship with this Jessie. It was just too far out of his experience. He couldn't understand it, not really.

Sighing, Jim banked the fire to ensure it would burn low and safely before heading off to the tent. It was late and he was tired. Maybe it would all seem easier to grasp in the morning.

 

* * *

 

Jim tried to sleep, he really did. But he found it impossible to relax. For one thing, Sandburg's words about the possible traditional 'bonding' between sentinels and guides kept echoing in his mind. It wasn't something he wanted to think about... but he couldn't _**not**_ think about it. What if his best friend was right? What if this was something that was necessary? Shouldn't he at least let Sandburg try to test it out? But every time his thoughts circled to that question, Jim froze, unable to imagine any such thing... not sure he wanted to imagine it, let alone 'test it'. In fact, very sure he didn't.

He was also very aware that Blair had returned to the campfire and was sitting huddled beside it. Surely he didn't plan on sitting out there all night? But as one hour and then a second dragged by, Jim began to realize that Blair didn't seem to have any intention of coming into the tent. Replaying their earlier conversation over in his head, Jim found himself remembering the haunted, anxious look in Sandburg's open gaze... and the worry as he'd turned away. Swallowing, Jim began to understand that Blair wasn't sure he'd want to share the tent tonight and he swore silently. Sometimes the kid could be too sensitive, too insightful. Jim had hoped his deep discomfort with the revelation about Jessie hadn't been so obvious, but Blair had always been able to see right through him. And now, as if the kid didn't have enough to cope with given the horror and grief about his long dead friend, Sandburg was worrying about whether Jim would ever really be comfortable with him again.

Heaving out a sigh, Ellison rubbed his forehead as he reasoned out what he had to do to ease Blair's fears. Not a man of words, he knew he'd never be able to find the right ones to get Sandburg to stop worrying about this. No, he'd have to somehow show Sandburg that he really was 'okay' with it all, even if that wasn't yet completely true. It _would_ be true once he'd had a chance to get used to the idea of Blair's relationship with Jessie. But that could take a while. Meanwhile, Sandburg was shivering out there in the cold darkness, too alone... and very scared. If Ellison had any doubt about that, he only had to listen to the hammering of Sandburg's heart and his tight, anxious breathing.

'Oh, hell,' Jim thought as he realized that he was going to have to go along with the damned test if Sandburg was ever going to really believe that he wasn't making any judgments here. Even as he stiffened against the idea, he told himself he was being ridiculous. So what if Sandburg 'tested' his theory? It wasn't as if anything would really happen between them... that just wasn't going to go down. But, if it relieved Sandburg's fears, and convinced him that they could still regard one another with respect and the comfort of a long-standing friendship in the morning, well, then, what could it hurt? Besides, after what he'd put his friend through that day, Jim figured he probably owed Blair a test of similar magnitude. It would be cowardly to refuse... would show a fear that maybe he wasn't as secure in his own sexuality as he liked to think, or was afraid of another man touching him, or some damned thing. Since when had he ever allowed fear to defeat him?

 _'Yeah, right, Ellison,'_ Jim chided himself disparagingly, recalling all the past problems his fears had caused them both, and how close his fear had come to destroying their friendship. Shuddering, Ellison pushed back the memories of how his fear had almost cost Blair's eternal death at the fountain.

It was that last thought that galvanized him, making Jim realize that he'd do anything, take _any_ damned test to assure Blair that their relationship was and always would be intact. Rolling out of the sleeping bag, he left the tent and went to squat down beside Sandburg next to the dying fire.

"Hey, Chief, you going to sit out here all night?" he asked quietly, laying a hand on his friend's shoulder.

Blair shrugged and looked away. "I'm all right..."

"Uh huh," Jim grunted as he studied Blair's tense shoulders and weary expression. Rubbing his ear, swallowing against his better judgment, Ellison continued, "I've been thinking about testing this Sentinel/Guide imprinting thing, Chief, and well, I think you may have a point. We don't seem to be ready to get much sleep, so I guess I don't mind if you try to test it out tonight, even though I can't promise to do anything more than laugh myself silly. If you're right about the bonding thing, well, maybe it's important somehow. If, when, we find that we can't have that between us, we need to think about what to do about that. It could make a difference to how, I don't know, how we work together or something."

Sandburg turned back to give his friend a quizzical look of astonished disbelief. "Are you saying that you don't mind if I 'test' this little hypothesis?" Blair asked, unable to believe what Jim was suggesting. "As in, you won't kill me if I try to seduce you to see if there's anything to this imprint/bonding idea?"

Looking a little like the lamb that knows he's being led to the slaughter, Jim gazed back helplessly. "Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying, Einstein."

"Hmmm," Blair murmured, his face creased with thought. It was... astonishing. Unbelievable. Crazy, even... but, maybe, just maybe, it was something they _**needed**_ to explore. Almost absentmindedly, as he pondered the possibilities, Sandburg stood to turn toward the tent as he said, "Okay..."

Jim's brow crinkled, wondering what he'd just let himself in for, but he stood and dumped water over the still hot embers of the dying fire, kicked dirt over the ashes to make sure it was out, and followed Sandburg to the tent. He was shocked to his core that he had actually agreed to try this, to 'test' it at least. But he'd meant what he'd said the week before. He trusted Sandburg... more he realized now than he'd known at the time. But that didn't make it less true. Sandburg wouldn't ever do anything that would hurt him, or make a fool out of him. Jim honestly didn't think there was a chance in hell that Blair could successfully seduce him, but if it was part of the relationship between Sentinels and Guides, well, he supposed he could at least let the kid check it out. More importantly, he was letting Sandburg know he was open to consider it... implying that it didn't repel him, even if it did. Regardless of how he actually felt about it all, he had to assure Sandburg that everything was all right between the two of them. If this was what it took, well, then that's what it took. Period.

It might even be pretty amusing. But, if so, Ellison wondered why he didn't feel in the least inclined to laugh. God knew, this was one 'test' he'd never share with Simon!

Sandburg had paused by the side of the tent, and was kicking off his boots. Pulling off his jacket, he wondered if this was one of his worst and craziest ideas, but the more he'd thought about, though he hadn't for a moment considered testing it out when he'd first mentioned it, the concept of such a bonding wasn't all that weird. And it **_was_** probably worth exploring, testing... and if they didn't test it now, they likely never would.

But Blair could only risk it at all if Jim really could do this without freaking out completely. Turning as Jim came up behind him, Blair asked soberly, "Are you _really_ sure about this, Jim? 'Cause if you're not, that's more than okay."

"Yeah... I'm sure, Chief," Jim replied in the tone of a man meeting his executioner.

Blair frowned, wishing he had 'sentinel' sight. In the darkness, he couldn't see Jim's face, though he knew his friend could still see his own visage plainly enough. "Okay... but we need some ground rules," Sandburg said as he made the decision to go through with the test. "First, you are **_in control_**. If it gets too weird, too uncomfortable, you say so and we stop. Second, _**you**_ are in control. I will not do anything to molest you, or do anything against your will. I won't do anything more than maybe 'get a rise out of you', but we will stop when you've had enough. Third, you **_are_** in control, period. Okay so far?"

Ellison couldn't help but grin at the serious tone of Sandburg's voice, so sincere... but quaking a little. It was good to know that he wasn't the only one here who was nervous about what they were about to 'test'. "Yeah, Chief, control sounds good," he murmured. "I'm okay with that."

"Uh huh," Blair nodded, not entirely convinced. "Fourth, and this is **_really_** important, fourth... whatever we do here, tonight, we do **_not_** let this have a negative impact on our friendship. I couldn't handle that. So, if you're not absolutely sure about that, then we don't do this."

Touched by the aching sincerity in Sandburg's voice, certain now that he'd been right about Blair's anxieties, right to alleviate them, and understanding why his friend sounded scared, Jim reached out to grip his shoulder as he replied, " ** _Nothing_** you could ever do is going have a negative impact on our friendship, Chief. I told you that. And... I trust you. If you think this is worth testing, as crazy as I might think the idea is, well, then, we test it. Period. Okay?"

Blowing out a breath, Blair nodded. Then he smiled for the first time that day, relieved and grateful, in awe of the gift that Jim was giving him in being willing to 'test' this out. The very fact that Jim was willing to try this was amazing and said something incredible about the depth of trust between them. A few years ago, if he'd suggested anything like this, Jim would have taken off for the hills, never to be seen again.

"It'll be all right, Jim," he promised softly. As a minimum, Blair knew he'd convey nothing but love by his touch, because that's what he felt for his Sentinel. Pure, innocent, love. And when Jim called a halt, then they'd stop. It meant more to Blair than Jim would ever really know that he'd offered this... because Blair knew Jim was offering him full acceptance, whether he understood or not what had occurred with Jess so long ago. And so, Jim had already given him all that he'd hoped for but had been afraid wouldn't, couldn't ever be granted.

Ducking into the tent, Blair rearranged the sleeping bags, so that one became the warm base they would lie upon and the other would cover them. He then shucked off the rest of his clothing and climbed in, moving to the far side. Jim followed him into the tent, and a few moments later, his own clothing lying in a heap beside Sandburg's, he laid down beside his best friend. Flat on his back, arms at his side, staring up at the roof of the tent, tense as a board.

Smiling fondly, understanding fully the sacrifice Jim was making for him in 'testing' out this idea, not wanting there to be any surprises that would startle his friend, Blair said, his voice low, "I'm just going to touch you, first with my hands and then with my lips... just touch, Jim. Nothing too dramatic. Just slow and easy. Close your eyes and just try to relax..."

Jim swallowed and nodded, obediently closing his eyes, not sure whether that made him feel more vulnerable or allowed him to distance what was happening. Certainly, it allowed him to ignore Sandburg's nakedness and his own... or at least pretend that if he couldn't see it, it wasn't so.

Shifting onto his knees, Blair reached forward and delicately moved his fingertips across Jim's brow, down along his temples, over the planes of his face and along his jaw. Then, without breaking the motion, he continued the movement up to gently trace Jim's lips, his nose and back over his brow. "While I touch you, I want you to concentrate two of your senses so that you don't zone. First, the sense of my touch on your skin and second, my scent, okay?"

"Uh huh," Jim grunted, surprised by the light touch, the delicate gentleness of it. Surprised most of all to find it soothing.

Blair murmured, "Good," as he traced back down Jim's face and then down along his throat to his shoulders. Massaging now, Sandburg loosened the tense muscles, working first on Jim's shoulders then each upper arm, taking his time, tracing down to Jim's fingers, then back up and over and down the other arm. He was pleased to feel Jim relax under his hands, willing to allow this intimacy, as unthreatening as it was. After all, it was little more than one of the massages he gave Jim regularly to relax stiff, tired and sore muscles at the end of a long and difficult day. "Okay so far?" Blair asked quietly.

"Fine," Jim replied, surprised that it was true. He'd been enjoying the massaging of his tight muscles, finding Blair's presence as soothing as it always was. In addition to touch and scent, the Sentinel was also listening to his Guide's heart beat, and even in the darkness, he could see Blair kneeling over him, a rapt expression of concentration and affection on his face, and Ellison wondered when he'd opened his eyes.

Though Blair could see virtually nothing in the perfect darkness of the tent, there must have been something in Jim's manner, a shift in his breathing, something... but the Guide knew his Sentinel was watching him. For the space of a heart beat, he debated suggesting that Jim close his eyes again... but with a thickness in his throat, and a hitch in his breathing, he decided that he wanted Jim to watch him, wanted that to be part of his Sentinel's sensory experience. Wanted the gift of his love, however much or little of it was finally accepted before Jim called a halt, to be witnessed by this man he knew he'd give his life for.

Judging that Jim was as relaxed as he was going to get given the circumstances, Blair shifted again, bringing his hands back up to Jim's face, taking the test to the next level. Leaning down, he blew into Jim's ear softly, and then nuzzled his earlobe while one hand stroked his friend's brow and cheek and the other rested lightly on Jim's shoulder. Moving his lips, Blair softly kissed the pulse point in Jim's throat, then under his jaw, working his way up to drop a light, chaste kiss on Jim's lips, then moving on again swiftly, before Jim could be alarmed, to drop feather-light kisses along his jaw and up to his other ear. The hand on Jim's shoulder began to caress his arm again as Blair lightly sucked on his earlobe.

Jim remained motionless, accepting the touches, the light kisses, though he'd taken a couple of steadying breaths. Still, he hadn't called a halt, so Sandburg kept going.

Moving back to lick and kiss Jim's throat, Blair moved his hands to his friend's chest, caressing, stroking broadly to allow his Sentinel to become use to the warm touch. When Jim remained quiet under his hands, not protesting, Blair allowed his thumbs to rub lightly over Jim's nipples, interested to find them hard and erect, stimulated. He rubbed a little harder, and then massaged each nipple between finger and thumb, as he moved his lips from Jim's throat, back up to his face, kissing each eyelid, before moving down again to his mouth.

Leaving his eyes closed now, to savour the lingering sensory memory of the benediction of Sandburg's lips on his lids, Ellison felt as if his skin was suddenly on fire, but not dangerously so... more as if his skin retained the warmth of Blair's touch as he felt Sandburg's fingertips, palms and thumb stroke over him, leaving a trail of heat behind as they swept on. He felt tension gather in his belly and loins, building as Blair played with his nipples, and found it didn't scare him or make him uncomfortable, though it was strange and unexpected. This was Blair... Blair wouldn't hurt him. Once again having his eyes closed to what was happening allowed it all to seem surreal, dream-like, something to experience without having to resist. Somehow, out here in the darkness of the forest, with the sound of the wind in the trees and the call of a hunting owl, he could almost imagine that this was just one more of his weird visions... not something fully real.

Sandburg had given him control. He could stop this whenever he wanted. But it wasn't as distasteful or repugnant as he'd thought it would be... nor was it the least bit amusing. It was... well Ellison wasn't exactly sure how to describe the feelings he was having in response to Sandburg's touch. He wasn't offended... if anything, it was mesmerizing and strangely soothing.

When Blair's lips again caressed his own, Jim moaned softly, unconsciously, his own lips parting under the gentle persuasive pull of Blair's lips on his own lower lip... but he almost floundered with the shock of it as Sandburg's tongue darted into his mouth, quick, light, teasing and gone again. Floundered not in outrage or distaste, but because the touch was so fleeting... the taste so unexpectedly sweet.

Unconsciously, Jim moaned again in protest at the loss of the stimulation, and unbidden, his arms came up around Sandburg, one hand pressing on the back of his head to hold his mouth close while the other stroked Blair's back. Jim pressed his lips back hard against his Guide's mouth and this time it was his tongue that darted in exploration, tingling with the sensation, sucking greedily at the sweetness of Sandburg's mouth, their tongues dancing together now as Blair shifted so that he was kneeling over Jim's body, knees pressed against his hips, hands cupping Jim's face.

When the kiss ended, Blair's hands stroked through Jim's hair, fingers massaging his scalp, and then dropped to again caress his chest and stimulate his nipples. Jim arched his back, pressing up against Blair's hands and let his own fingers roam his Guide's back and buttocks, feeling the smooth satin of his skin, the ripple of solid muscle, the warmth of Sandburg's body under his hands.

Panting a little, Blair raised his head, a slight smile of frankly astonished bemusement on his lips. "You okay?" he murmured, wanting to hold true to his promise that Jim was in control every step of the way.

Sandburg hadn't honestly thought they'd get this far. Not anywhere near this far.

"Oh, yeah," Jim muttered hoarsely, his eyes still closed as he focused on the new and unexpectedly pleasurable sensations he was experiencing with four of his senses fully on line.

"Can I go farther?" Sandburg asked, hoping for an affirmative response.

"Yeah, sure... keep going," Jim offered even while he lifted his head to kiss Blair's throat, tasting his skin, feeling Sandburg's pulse under his lips, the resonance with the beat he could hear and feel under his hands when his palms caressed Blair's back. He inhaled the tangy, clean, citrus scent of his Guide... a scent now mingled with a curious muskiness. There was something... satisfying? About having this contact with his Guide... something that felt... right? Necessary? Jim wasn't sure, but he couldn't bring himself to stop what was happening. Not yet. He wanted to... what? He wasn't sure. Nor did he really want to think about it just then, distracted as he was by the sensory impact of Blair's touch and scent.

Blair's hands moved down along Jim's body as Sandburg bent his head to suckle on one nipple and then the other, aware that Jim had begun to pant a little in response to his ministrations. Sandburg's hands moved down along Jim's ribs and over his friend's hips, his lips moving down to trace a hot line to Ellison's navel, where Blair's tongue dipped and swirled even as his hands caressed Jim's hips and moved down further to his thighs.

Laying back, one hand entwined in Sandburg's hair, Ellison allowed the astonishing sensations to sweep over and through him. No stranger to sex, he'd known the hands and lips of others, though truthfully not many, and all of them women. But it was a different experience with Sandburg. The strength of his hands was different as Blair kneaded and massaged. His hands were larger, harder... the touch more 'knowing'. A man who knew how to pleasure another man, who knew what the sensations felt like and how to give maximum pleasure.

And Sandburg's skin was different, his body, of course, different. More muscular, harder, with a lot more fine, silky hair that tickled and tingled the Sentinel's skin. Blair's scent surrounded him, like an intoxicating perfume, a rich, healthy, increasingly musky scent that was... erotic. And his mouth, God, his soft lips and slightly abrasive tongue. Hot and demanding, gentle and alluring, teasing and giving wantonly.

Jim groaned, amazed at the sensations, swamped by them, his breath tight in his throat, his mouth dry. Blair had moved away from his touch, moving down to stroke and knead the muscles of his legs, down to nuzzle and lick the inside of his thighs and knees, to stroke his ankles and massage his feet, sucking his toes, the thrilling tingle of that incredible feeling searing back up through Ellison's whole body, the entire sensual experience as erotic as anything he'd ever known. He could stop this at any time, he knew that... and thought fleetingly that maybe he should stop it... but he found he didn't want to.

He felt safe.

More... he felt loved.

Loved more completely, and generously... more sensitively... than he'd ever felt loved before.

Ellison felt something give way inside. A resistance he'd scarcely been aware of, so much a part of his nature had it been, melted leaving him feeling languorous and utterly trusting. There was nothing here to resist, only an abiding love that surrounded and filled him, healing in its touch, as if Blair's caresses had reached to his heart, and made it whole. Had merged somehow with his soul... a balm to a perennially, perpetually troubled spirit, bringing solace and calm, restoring his strength, giving him peace.

Jim wasn't exactly clear when he stopped being an essentially passive recipient to his Guide's attentions. There was a moment when he'd become acutely aware that he was aroused, but was astonished at himself... that it didn't embarrass or offend him, didn't scare him. He was drowning in the experience of being touched, being loved, by his Guide... swamped by the sensations of touch, of lips, tongue and hands caressing him, almost as if worshiping him. Blair's heartbeat thundered in his ears, an atavistic cadence of yearning and demand, resonating with the beat of his own heart, the sounds blending like distant jungle drums as the blood pulsed hot through his body. Sandburg's scent surrounded him, filled him... it was intoxicating.

In the next moment, with a moan of desire, the Sentinel's hands had risen to grip his Guide's shoulders and pull Sandburg up along the length of his body, so that their lips might meet again in a searingly deep kiss, as Jim rolled over and pinned Blair beneath him. Now, eyes open again, all five senses on line and fully, completely absorbed with the experience of being with his Guide, it was Jim's hands that were roaming, exploring all the planes of Blair's body with his sensitive touch, imprinting the tactile memory of his Guide along with scent and sound and taste and sight. Bodies pressed together, Jim became aware that Blair was as aroused as he was, and he groaned with want, as his hips shifted and pumped gently, their erections rubbing against one another and the silken taut skin of their bellies, exciting them both and arousing them both further.

"Ah, Jim," Blair gasped. "This, uh, this would be a good time to stop... if you want to stop... **_only_** if you want to stop..."

Jim paused as his hands came up to cup Blair's face, his eyes seeking his Guide's gaze, searching for permission to continue. "And... if I don't want to stop..." he whispered, his throat tight, his senses whirling so that he felt slightly dazed.

Sandburg stared into the darkness, wishing with all his heart that he could see his Sentinel in that moment. And then he smiled with blinding joy, his eyes sparkling like blue pools of starlight that only the Sentinel could see.

Jim felt as if he could see the whole of the universe and all creation in the love radiating from that steady, trusting gaze and that feeling filled him with a sense of awe and longing.

"Then don't stop..." Blair replied, his voice low and husky. "I'm your Guide, man... I belong to you."

"Yes," Jim affirmed as he bent to tease Blair's lips with his own. "You do," he groaned again as his kiss deepened, drunk now with desire.

Blair's hands fondled his Sentinel's muscled buttocks, and then slipped down around and between their bodies to grasp Jim's erection firmly. Jim's head came up as he gasped in surprise and he arched his back at the touch, electrified by Sandburg's knowing grip as he pumped Ellison's shaft. Sandburg pushed him back and over while he twisted around and bent to lick Ellison's throbbing penis, tracing firmly along the vein from root to tip even as his other hand reached to fondle and lightly squeeze Jim's scrotum. Blair's mouth came down to cover him, hot and wet, sucking hard as he pumped his hand up and down along its length.

On his back now, Ellison couldn't stop his loins from responding to the sensations and he pumped up into Sandburg's mouth, reveling in the sensations of the moist heat and the friction of Blair's strong hand stroking him hard, panting now, gasping for breath, his fingers entangled in Blair's hair as he gripped his Guide's head.

Blair's other hand traced a hot line, delicate but searing, to the opening to Ellison's body... and slipped inside, slowly, gently, until he could touch that exquisitely sensitive nub.

Jim arched back with a cry of unbridled ecstasy as Blair stroked his prostate gland, never before having felt such pure, unparalleled sensual pleasure. The hot rush blinded him, taking his breath away, leaving him stunned with surprise... and wanting more. But it had almost pushed him right over the edge, stealing away the last vestige of his control. He didn't want it over and done, not yet... though it was hard to stop the spiraling pleasure as Blair stroked again, even as his mouth sucked with delicious demand, very hard to stop before the sensations of pure bliss burst in a paroxysm of joyful abandon.

With an aching reluctance, Jim pulled Blair's head up and away, as he murmured, "Not yet... I don't want to finish this yet."

"Whatever you want, Jim," Sandburg acquiesced with a hoarse whisper, letting his finger slide away from its so intimate contact. "Whatever you need."

"I want to taste you," Jim replied, his voice low and guttural as he pressed Blair down beside him and then rose up over him to explore Sandburg's strong erection. With hands first, slow, sensitive and then demanding touches, followed by lips and tongue, Ellison explored his Guide's fully engorged penis for the first time. Sandburg's heady scent filled him as he inhaled deeply, and he could hear the cadence of Blair's heart jump and quicken, his breath shallow, fast and sharp in his lungs. Jim felt an unexpected surge of pleasure to see, feel and hear Blair responding to him, to his touch, with such sensual abandon.

"Oh, God, Jim," Blair moaned under Jim's hands and lips, his hips twisting then thrusting wildly, incapable of restraint, as Jim swallowed him. "Oh, man... that's SO good," Sandburg sighed as he thrust up into the tight, hot wetness of his Sentinel's mouth. "Yes... YES!" he cried, as Jim, mimicking his Guide's earlier actions, found Sandburg's prostate and stroked with gentle pressure. Arcing his back, overwhelmed by the irresistible rush of the breathtaking pleasure that spiraled from his belly to fill his being, sweeping through him, swamping all thought with its blinding intensity, Blair thrust again and again, frantic now with his need for completion, pounding up into his Sentinel's hot, demanding mouth, thrusting again as his Sentinel stroked inside and once again as he burst over the edge, unable to resist the exquisite sensual assault a moment longer... overwhelmed by Jim's willingness to love him this way... overcome by his Sentinel's mouth and hands possessing him, bringing him such sensual pleasure.

Jim took the hot, salty burst and swallowed, closing his eyes as he took this part of his Guide, this essence of sacred life, into his own body. As Sandburg quieted under his hands, gasping for breath, the Sentinel gentled him, stroking slowly, mesmerized by the feel of his Guide's skin, of his body. Even as he felt himself lost in the sensations of touching his Guide, Jim also felt his own need growing, demanding, aching for a union he'd **_never_** dreamed of ever wanting or knowing.

But he wanted it now. **_Needed_** it now.

Needed the completion of it.

Needed them to be one, to merge into one being, inseparable... whole.

Lifting his head, the Sentinel gazed with raw longing into his Guide's tender eyes. "I need to..." Jim grated, hoarse... wanting but afraid, not sure how to ask, embarrassed. "I need to..."

"What do you need, Jim?" Blair asked, willing to give anything and everything that he had, that he was.

Ellison swallowed as he studied his Guide's expression, feeling humility sweep over him at the love that he saw in Blair's eyes... unrestrained, unconditional, ever-lasting. "I need us to be together..." Jim murmured, not quite able to believe that he was asking this... that he wanted it so badly when he could have never imagined...

Blair's breathing hitched then, as understanding flooded through him. Swallowing, he nodded, but the Sentinel could see that he had paled, his face pinched with what looked like fear. Suddenly ashamed, Ellison pulled away, confused, never wanting to hurt, not in any way.

Blair understood then that his friend had seen or felt his slight hesitation. Reaching out, he gripped Jim's arm as he explained quietly, "You don't understand... I want that, too. But... but I've never, not even with Jess... but it's all right, Jim. This is something we both need to do."

Ellison shook his head, trying to regain control of his raging need. "I don't want to hurt you," he ground out. Then, uncertain, still feeling shame, he admitted, "I don't know how..."

"Don't worry about that," Sandburg assured him, his voice again steady. "I do. But we need some oil."

When Jim ceased trying to pull away from his grip, Blair stroked his arm, again assuring him, "It's all right, Jim. I do want this... it was just a surprise, that's all. Let me get the oil, okay?"

Taking a shuddering breath, Ellison nodded and then realized that Blair couldn't see him in the darkness. "All right," he managed to stammer.

Sandburg rolled away to kneel by the pack of food supplies in the corner of the tent. Rummaging in the sack, he found the small bottle of olive oil and he turned to crawl back to his Sentinel. Reaching out, he found Jim, and leaned in to kiss him longingly while his free hand caressed his partner's throat, shoulder, chest and moved down his belly to circle his erection and grasp him firmly. Jim's hands had come up to grip his shoulders and hold him steady, his grip so strong, so solid in his presence.

Blair pulled away from the kiss and then uncapped the bottle, tipping the viscous liquid into his hand. "Take the bottle, Jim," he said, holding it out, and when Jim had taken it from him, Blair warmed the oil in his hands and then reached out to stroke Ellison's shaft. Long, sinuous caresses that coated him and sent the blood raging again, hot and demanding, as the Sentinel's heart quickened at his Guide's sure touch.

"Okay," Blair murmured. "Now, coat your fingers. You need to relax the muscle to open me up, one finger at a time, until three can slip in easily. The oil makes it easier. Take your time, Jim. There's no rush. And... and don't worry that it'll hurt me a little at first."

Jim froze at that, and Blair could feel the tension emanating from him, so he hastened to reassure, to encourage. "It's normal, Jim... nothing to worry about... the pain doesn't last. And it's worth it... trust me."

 _'Trust me'._

The only words that could have persuaded the Sentinel to continue. Blair wouldn't lie to him. If he said this was all right, then that must be true.

But the thought of causing Blair pain worried him.

Sensing the lingering hesitation, Blair laid down on his side as he asked with quiet calm, "How do you want to do this, Jim? Do you want me on my back or my stomach?"

"I... I need to see your face," Jim murmured, his throat tight. "I need to know if I'm hurting you so that I can stop."

"Okay, man," Blair replied, lying back, his knees raised and parted to give Jim access to his body.

Slowly, Jim poured a liberal amount of oil into his palm and closed the bottle, setting it aside. As Blair had done, he warmed the oil first in his hands, and then shifted to kneel between Blair's legs. Reaching forward, he caressed Blair's now flaccid penis, and then cupped his balls, kneading gently, watching Blair's face, watching his Guide relax under his touch and smile peacefully at the gentle ministrations. Shifting a little, Ellison reached further down, tracing a path along the sensitive strip of skin until he found the puckered opening.

Slowly, very slowly, he inserted one finger while his other hand lightly massaged Blair's belly. Blair's chin came up and his lips parted as his breathing deepened and Ellison could feel the flutter of the muscles in Blair's abdomen, could hear his heart pick up speed.

"Circle your finger around a bit," Blair whispered hoarsely, his eyes closed. "Then slip another one inside..."

Following his Guide's instructions, Ellison continued to prepare Blair for entry, but hesitated when he felt Sandburg's abdominal muscles tighten in reflexive resistance.

"No... don't stop," Blair breathed urgently, willing himself to relax. "Reach in... stroke me like you did before..." And he arched in pleasure as Jim sought and found the nub of his prostate gland. "Yes," he breathed, "that's it... _again..._ "

Jim stroked in and out, patiently, circling, ever widening the opening, relaxing the muscles while stimulating Blair's desire for more. Ellison marveled at the expressions of pleasure on his Guide's face, smiling a little at the evidence of Sandburg's renewed arousal. Jim shifted his hand from Blair's abdomen to stroke his filling shaft and then leaned forward to lick and suck gently, tasting again the tart, slightly salty flavour of his Guide, feeling it nourish him.

A third finger slipped in, stroking, and Blair panted with desire and need, his back arcing again and again as Jim thrust into him until Sandburg couldn't restrain his need for more, desire and passion eclipsing the pain, and he thrust his hips forward, demanding more.

" _Oh, God, Jim_ ," he groaned, his breath a sob in his throat. " _God, I want you... **now!**_ "

Lifting his head, licking his lips, taking a breath, Ellison gripped Blair's hips to lift him up onto his thighs as Blair opened his legs wide, linking them around Jim's waist. Carefully, Ellison guided himself forward, pushing his sensitive, engorged glans slowly into his Guide's body, watching Blair's face, ready to stop at the first sign of pain, though his own need was great and the control he was exerting on himself tightened in his belly.

Blair gasped as Jim entered him, stiffening in natural reaction at the sharp discomfort of the intrusion, and he felt Jim hesitate. Taking a deep, steadying breath, again willing himself to relax, Sandburg centered his weight on his elbows, then gripped with his legs and heels, pulling himself forward suddenly in one smooth motion, impaling himself on Jim's shaft.

His back arched up and he cried out, unable to choke the sound back and Ellison moaned, "No..." as he tried to pull himself back, fighting his own incredible surge of passion at being suddenly sheathed within the tight, hot body of his Guide.

But Blair kept his legs and heels locked around Jim, preventing his withdrawal, breathing out against the pain, letting it go, holding Jim within his body, feeling the fullness... the rightness of being one with his Sentinel. "Wait," he gasped. "Just... feel this," he sighed. "Together... joined..."

Jim swallowed and closed his eyes, breathing deeply, feeling the heat of the muscles that encompassed him. His jaw was tight with his control as he fought his own need to lose himself in that incredible embrace.

"Okay," Sandburg breathed, relaxing into the sensation. "Now, Jim... I want you... take me..."

Slowly, holding his breath, Jim rocked back, until they were almost separated, a separation he couldn't bear... and he thrust back in, again, so very slowly and Sandburg arced his hips to meet him. Their rhythm began, Jim grasping Blair's hips to support him and hold him steady, and still he watched his Guide's face with an intent expression, gauging Blair's reactions, relaxing himself as he saw the pinched look give way to pleasure.

Sandburg gazed up into the darkness, toward his Sentinel. Though he couldn't see Jim, he could feel him, feel his hands gripping tightly, feel his strong, hard, muscled thighs beneath his hips, feel the muscles of his body and back as Blair gripped him with his legs and heels... feel his hard, hot erection filling the emptiness inside... and Sandburg smiled as he breathed deeply, feeling whole and complete.

More confident now, reassured by the wide, joy-filled smile that suddenly graced Sandburg's lips, Ellison shifted a little, wanting to give more pleasure and felt his own heart swell with happiness when Blair arced his back and cried out, this time with consummate pleasure as Jim stroked over that small nub. Again and again, he stroked, giving exquisite joy, as Blair lost himself in the sensual spiral of passion, thrusting his hips against Jim, wanting more... and still more.

"Harder," Sandburg gasped, arcing again. "Faster..." he begged.

The words, the tone of want and desire, freed the last taut threads of Ellison's control, snapping them and the Sentinel was unleashed to lose himself in the consummate passion of merging fully with his Guide, of being one... of being complete and fulfilled. His hips thrust in a primal rhythm, their hearts beating in thundering unison as breath rasped in their lungs. Sweeping in and out in long sensuous strokes, feeling his Guide's body grip him so very tightly, inside and out, pulling him closer, tighter, **_wanting_** him, **_possessing_** him, needing only what **_he_** could give, experiencing **_him_** as Blair had never experienced anyone before. Blair's cries of passion in his ears, his Guide's scent permeating the air that he breathed, Sandburg's body under his hands, impaling Blair with each powerful thrust, deeper, harder, faster...

 ** _...until they were one_** , transcendent, no longer aware of being separate, but united, the glorious sensations spiraling out of control, blinding and shattering, joy beyond imagining, rising like a tide that swept over them and carried them to heights neither had ever known, a raging crescendo of passion, limitless, eternal, love in its incandescent, overwhelming reality of pure truth...

 ** _...they were one..._** hearts unfettered, spirits driven by need, want, desire, passion, love, until the love illuminated and transformed them, taking them beyond the boundaries of their bodies until their souls melded in a blinding brilliance of heat and unfettered joy...

 ** _...they were one..._** Sentinel and Guide united, bonded for all time, imprinted forever, mind and heart, body and soul... surging together, arcing up in pure, sensual bliss until they were all that was in the world, all that mattered, would ever matter, the sweet, exquisite ache for union satisfied, replete with wonder...

 ** _...they were love..._** a pure, overwhelming, eternal force, powerful in its singular unity, a blessing and benediction for all time... they were **_ONE!_**

The Sentinel and Guide pounded against one another, one into the other, lost in their passionate joy of union. Sandburg's hand stroked his own erection, keeping time to the primal rhythm of his Sentinel stroking within him, until, finally, the passionate spiraling of the waves of exquisite sensual fires consumed them and peaked, taking them both over the top of forever as they erupted in unison, spilling the essence of their beings, the sacred seeds of their life, the Sentinel bursting deep within his Guide's body and the Guide's essence a pulsing shower of love...

Blair could feel the heat as Jim came within him even as the Guide cried out in his own release, the wolf's howl of joy echoed by his Sentinel, the primitive wild scream of the jaguar filling the night.

Overwhelmed, reeling with the sensual, sensory spikes of utter completion, the Sentinel could not yet bear to separate from his Guide. Jim leaned forward, until he laid over Blair's body, covering him, sheltering him, and Blair's arms encircled his back, holding him close as their lips met and their tongues reached for one another, until they were locked together... still one being, filled with wonder, complete in the moment they each wished would never end. Jim rested his weight on his arms, even as his fingers laced through Blair's wild hair and he tasted the nectar of his Guide's love.

Sighing contentedly, they cradled against one another, secure in the other's arms... and exhausted, they slept.

 

* * *

 

The soft light of dawn found them sprawled in one another's warm embrace. Stirring, the Sentinel stretched languidly, and then opened his eyes to gaze down into those wild pools of deep blue, feeling as if he could drown in that open, innocent and trusting gaze. Smiling, his heart aching, Jim wordlessly bent his head to kiss Blair softly, lingeringly.

The kiss deepened and reignited their passion, their need to reaffirm their oneness, the unity of their souls. Gently now, having no need to rush, they explored one another's bodies in the ephemeral light of day. Hands stroked lovingly, tenderly, easing tensions, quickening desire. Lips caressed and tongues teased and probed, fingers fluttered, and traced paths of love. Need merged with want, as hearts beat out a faster tempo and breath caught in panting gasps and then sighed or moaned softly deep in their throats. The heat built, flushing their bodies with the visual tide of passion, skin inflamed and sensitive to the nuance of every touch. Needing no words, wanton in their mutual, innocent abandon, they explored this new intimacy as they reveled in one another's bodies, testing out their capacity to give the other limitless pleasure, generous and loving, each giving the other the gift of all that they were. Gazes locked together as their bodies joined again in passionate union, this time they could both see the deep love they felt reflected back, pure, ardent, unrestrained and limitless, enduring forever.

"I need..." the Sentinel breathed.

"I want..." the Guide sighed.

"YOU..." they murmured hoarsely, together, as backs arced and hips thrust, muscles straining, hard and hot. Merging again, deeply, passionately, breath rasping in panting gasps, fingers clutching tightly, shafts full to bursting, aching for completion. Hearts drumming, bodies pounding together, souls bright with yearning and, finally, incandescent with the light of love that once again ennobled them as it burst around and over and through them... until they cried out in joy and then again settled into the peace of the other's strong embrace. Kissing deeply to affirm and extend their union, wanting it to last, knowing now they would never be completely separate or ever alone again.

Swallowing as he finally pulled a little away, Jim murmured hoarsely, "That was some test, Chief."

Blair blinked and then grinned, chuckling softly as he wrapped his arms tightly around Jim and drew his Sentinel down close into his warm embrace.

"Yeah," Sandburg sighed as he reflected on what had happened between them, at the wonder of it... the joy of it. "Remember that," the Guide teased softly, "the next time I suggest a test that you think is crazy."

Ellison chuckled then, too, as he tightened his arms around his Guide, drinking in the scent of him, reveling in the feel of Blair's skin along his own body, basking in the memory of being united as one, the memory of incandescent, complete and perfect love. As Blair drifted off, dozing contentedly in the warm security of his Sentinel's arms, Jim gazed down upon his Guide's beautiful, peaceful face. Gently, he brushed errant curls back from Sandburg's broad forehead, and lightly traced the lines of his brow and lips.

Shaking his head, Jim marveled that this was something he would have never known, this peace, if he hadn't trusted Sandburg... hadn't been willing to risk testing their need to imprint upon one another, to bond in every meaning of the word. He wouldn't have ever known this sense of completion if Sandburg hadn't had the capacity to show him how to love without being bound by the chains of convention, uninhibited by society's narrow definitions of 'acceptable' love between two people, regardless of gender, because their love made it inconsequential. For a moment, he closed his eyes and offered a wordless prayer of gratitude for the gift of his Guide, for Blair's presence in his life. For the patience and wisdom that Blair brought, for the brilliance and humour... but most of all, for the unconditional, affirming, blessing of his limitless love.

Smiling softly, Jim reflected that the word 'test' would never again fill him with a sense of foreboding or vague irritation.

Forevermore, 'test' would only, always, mean the exploration of their nature as now fully bonded Sentinel and Guide... the celebration of their unity of spirit through the gift of consummate and unconditional love.

FINIS


End file.
